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Tue, Jun. 23rd, 2015, 04:25 am

When I am gone, what will it matter? The answer is, by in large, it won't.

Sun, May. 18th, 2014, 08:13 pm
MisterShineyzuma and the Void.

There is a hole in my heart and frankly there is nothing I can do to fill it. I have tried. It is near impossible. It came with the breaking. I gave away a part of it to someone long ago and she has it to this day. This hole that I can not fill. I have tried. I tried and the closet chance I had was found on the other side of the world. It is strange but now that chance is gone too. The hole is bigger because I gave another chunk of my heart there in hopes of a return too. I had one, I am pretty sure. Perhaps it was even a bigger one than before. I fucked that up.

There are seconds where I feel a flickering in there. Like a spark, a chance for a fire to be caught up in the wind. It is in that first moment where in I meet someone and they are new and exciting. It is in that first few moments that I feel the hole start to fill. But it is like a mud-slide. Sure the hole is filled but frankly it leaves just a bigger hole.

I am weak in many respects. In my loneliness, I make poor decisions. It happened once. I found myself trying desperately trying to find an answer to the questions I had. The questions that always plague me. In a moment of regret big decisions were made and a life was lost. It will plague me for some time. Even if the two who were responsible for creating it were not meant to be, what of the chance that it deserved? I guess I will never know. I guess I will regret forever the part I played in that.

I used to be better at these things. I used to be way better at this. When I wrote something there was more to it. There was an air of flair. Right now I am just sad and getting further and further into this hole.

Right now, I have figured out that I am better off along. No one gets that. People keep trying to get close. I want to push them away but they just don't get the subtly of my words and it often results in a "Get the fuck away." sort of sentiment. That leads to even greater hurt feelings and me coming off as an even greater ass.

Please do not misunderstand, I am not saying that I don't like or want company, or that I am opposed to any sort of physical attention or affection, I just don't feel like being in a relationship. I don't want to be in one without love. That is where things get tricky. You see, I don't think people get that. Maybe they do. Who am I to say. I had love, I had it once, and I won't settle until I find it again.

Right now I find myself in a predicament. One that is hard to deal with because I am not sure how to deal with it. I know of someone who is very much interested in me. That someone has recently out of a relationship with a friend. He is a decent guy from what I gather. I can't say what happened. I don't know the whole story. I do know this, there has been a multitude of conversations. In these conversations I have voiced my desire to be friends. I have talked about how I am really rather a slow mover. Yet, the other party just doesn't get it. When I try to push back and slow things down, she just doesn't get it.

Instead, she pushes on and says things that make me wonder if she gets it. It makes me wonder if I am just a rebound or something more. I worry though that if I speak my mind I will cause her some great grief and open up a hole in her heart. It is not going to end well as far as I can tell. She is putting a lot of time in to this. It is bordering on clingy and that also bothers me. Like I said, I like to be alone. I like me time. I try to say this. Again it doesn't come through.

Today was perhaps the worst and it set off some serious warning alarms for me. There was a declaration of relationship status without my confirmation or consent. To be truthful I have failed the lasts couple of days because I thought I was clear. I thought I had time to figure out if there might be time for a flower to grow from barren earth. Time for a garden to grow in the hole in my heart.

It is this sort of push that will drive me away and yet I am not quite at the level that I want to be. Part of me wish I had the callousness of say a good Tucker Max. Part of me wish I could just speak my mind. Part of me wants me to just end this now before it gets too complex. Another part of me keeps true to my word. I promised time. I promised. It is just not going well. Not going to end well.

Why people ask?

Well part of me wonders if I am becoming someone who I don't think I would like. Why? Because I don't have the spine to end this before it goes to a place I don't want or am not ready.

Because I am afraid to take a leap across an ocean. Because I don't think that I am worth one of the two most amazing women I have ever met. I certainly wasn't worth the first. If I were she would not have left with half my heart. As it stands, when I see her I feel a swell and a swoon. When I see her child, I smile. When I am in her presence it is all I can do to not reach out, wrap my arms around her and tell her how I feel. I have once. There was a chance, there was hope. She said things to me that didn't scare me. There were words exchanged that gave me hope, not pause. There was love. There is love.

And still there is another. Half a world away there is another. One who I know loves. One who I am certain has anger in her heart now where there was hope and love. I know I fucked up when I was weak. When this whole situation started. There were plans to travel across the great blue sea and now that is on hold because frankly there is no reason to go. She will move on. They all do.

Here is to being fucked.

Thank you! Fuck you!

Sun, Oct. 28th, 2012, 08:47 am

"Alone Down There"

How do, how do you do?
My name is you
Flies, they all gather around me and you too
You can't see anything well
You ask me what size it is, not what I sell
The flies, they all gather around me and you too
I don't want you to be alone down there
To be alone down there, to be alone
The Devil's apprentice he gave me some credit
He fed me a line and I'll probably regret it
I don't want you to be alone down there
To be alone down there, to be alone
I don't want you to be alone down there
To be alone down there, to be alone

Sun, Oct. 28th, 2012, 08:46 am

Were goin' down the road towards tiny cities made of ashes
I'm goin' to hit you on the face I'm goin' to punch you in your
glasses. Oh no!
I'm wearin' myself a t-shirt that says "The world is my ashtray"
Our hearts pump dust and our hairs all grey
And I just got a message sayin' that hell has frozen over
Got a phone call from the Lord sayin' "Hey boy get a
sweater. Right now!"
Does anybody know a way that a body could get away
Does anybody know a way

Sun, Oct. 28th, 2012, 08:28 am

"Workin' On Leavin' The Livin'"

In heaven everything is fine
In heaven everything's alright
In heaven everything is fine
In heaven everything is fine
In heaven
Working on livin'
I'm working on leaving
I'm working on leaving the living
Love you more than everything
Loved it more than anything
Loved everything more than anything
Working on drinking
I'm working on driving
I'm working on driving my dreams so
Working on living
I'm working on leaving
I'm working on leaving the living
In heaven everything is fine [x4]
In heaven everything's alright [both lines alternating x22]
In heaven everything is fine
In heaven

Sun, Oct. 28th, 2012, 08:27 am
MM: Baby Blue

And it's hard to be a human being
And it's harder as anything else
And I'm lonesome when you're around
And I'm never lonesome when I'm by myself
And I miss you when you're around

Sun, Oct. 28th, 2012, 08:20 am

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now.

Sun, Sep. 2nd, 2012, 07:13 pm
Mouse speak.

"Baby Blue Sedan"
by Modest Mouse

A nice heart and a white suit and a baby blue sedan
And I am doing the best that I can
All the eunuchs, they were standing in rows
singing, "Please stud us out just as fast as you possibly can."
Sad song, last dance and no one knows who the band was
And Henry, you danced like a wooden Indian
Except this one mattered and I felt it had a spirit
And I shot the story because I didn't hear it that way
And it's hard to be a human being
And it's harder as anything else
And I'm lonesome when you're around
And I'm never lonesome when I'm by myself
And I miss you when you're around

Tue, Dec. 28th, 2010, 11:39 am
MisterShineyzuma's Promises for 2011

I know that it is a bit early for this but I have been thinking a for some time about my resolutions for the new year and I have come up with a few.

1. Continue working out daily with one day off per week.

2. Continue to set attainable weight loss goals for myself in the new year. It all just doesn't magically fall off it will take work and time.

3. Progress from the comfortable and familiar Power 90 program that I have been doing for over a year now to P90X. It is time to Bring It.

4. Make a conscious effort to eat better. My eating habits and food choices are somewhat atrocious. This means cutting way back on anything "fast food" and probably avoiding most of the snacks we have at game nights and so on. This also means I am going to have to cook or something like that.

5. Welcome others to join me in my endeavors towards living more healthy both for their sake and for my sanity. Having other people join one on their journey is much more fun that walking the road alone.

6. Finish what I started and complete my RN program.

7. Take my NCLEX exam and pass with flying colors.

8. Speak my mind more freely and do not hold back on telling others what I really feel about them, especially those who get on my nerves.

9. Retain some measure of sanity with my schedule as it is allowing myself time to relax.

10. Fix up my house as money and time allows.

I encourage others to set goals and work towards them as the new year comes. I also welcome those near and far to join me on my personal quest towards a healthier life and a more fit me.

Love, Luck, Lipstick and Lollipops

Wed, Apr. 28th, 2010, 03:43 pm
The Triumphant Return of Mr Shiney-zuma

It has been far too long since I have posted on LJ. I attribute this primarily due to my overactive Facebook account. I spend way too much time there playing silly little text based games and so on. It is rather disturbing to think how much a game which is basically nothing but text and a hyped-up less silly version of progress quest can be so addicting. In addition, it is simply ridiculous how much money those geniuses who created such a novel and simple concept have made off of games like Farmville. Granted, I will never play Farmville or other virtual farm games however the games I do play are remarkably similar. Things like CastleAge or Knighthood and so on are like crack to me. I can't stop clicking away. It is a huge waste of time when I could be doing so much more. But time wasted is time I will never get back and thus there is no point to wasting any more energy on the subject.

Moving on, perhaps I am not the first one to say this and yet perhaps I am but when did LJ start putting adds up in between clicks from one screen to another. I know it isn't a big deal or anything but when I attempted to begin this post I had to wade through some stupid Sonic Commercial just to begin. I find that just a bit annoying. However, I assume that the LJ people have to pay the bills just like anyone else and thus must make their money in some fashion or another. I don't imagine that many people upgrade their account these days, so the need to advertise or sell ad space makes sense.

So many people who I used to keep up with on a regular basis seem to have dropped off of the face of the earth or at least the face of LJ. Granted there a few of you out there who are still loyal here and continue to post regularly but it seems more and more people move onward to sites like twitter and FB to keep us constantly updated as to their current status mood or just to vent. I find that there is something lacking in that and it comes from a lack of content or at least effort to write more than twenty words. Oh well and so it goes.

Twitter, though I hate you dearly, you have spawned something that brings me great joy. A simple little book called "Twitter-ature." It is simply an amazingly hilarious piece of work that hurts both my brain and my funny bone. The book takes a great number of pieces of classic literature and breaks them down in to 25 tweets or less. I nearly laughed my head off the first time I read through it. It also made the Hobbit more than bearable. That is a feat unto itself.

I suppose it is time to give an actual update on my life and what is going on. Perhaps it would be best to move from the least consequential to the most important of things to keep it all in order. First, I have been slowly plugging through the Star Wars novels. All of them. I have read more than a few to say the least. In the past year I have read about 13. I am on the Young Jedi Knight Series and preparing to move into the New Jedi Order novels. For the most part I enjoy them. Some of the books are far superior than the others. It always seems as if I whip through it. The others seem to drag on forever. Still I am on my way to becoming a super Star Wars geek. Go me.

Next, the work situation has been decent. I am back to trudging through shit in a nursing home but all in all it is okay. Life as a carpenter was pretty sweet, I am not going to lie but the downside was simply not having work for nine months. I am sure I could have lived off of others and continued to collect unemployment but that just is not something I enjoyed. I felt like a bum. So I sucked it up and went back to doing things that were less appealing at the time. It has proved to be very motivational and got me back on track toward another goal. More on that later, but first a move onto a tangent topic.

(Contemplating ranting about one person in particular who has a beef with jobs related to mine).

I think I will have that for another time. What I will say is this, if you want something generally you have to work for it. A saying comes to mind when I think about people who complain all the time and nag about being broke and yet express all these wants for things they can't afford. It goes a little something like, "Shit in one hand and wish in the other. See which fills up faster." Or how about this as a solution, get a goddamn job and stop your bitching. Be useful and productive. How about making a contribution to society instead of leeching off it you fucking mook.

End rant.

Thirdly, on the list of changes in my life, I have tried in vain to be more diligent about my spending habits. The wake up call came strangely enough from a fortune cookie that is now taped to the back of my Debit card. It says, "Do not desire that which you do not need." Makes sense to me.

On the subject of being more diligent and living lean, Monica and I have started to work out together. I think it is an awesome thing to do. For me it is a bonding experience. It is a healthy activity that we can both do, that we can help each other with and is kinda fun as well. It has only been about a week but at my bi-weekly weigh-ins at Biolife I have cut six pounds. My weight does fluctuate fairly regularly when I do weigh in but this is the lowest I have been in over six months. What work out are we doing? Power 90, the precursor to P90X. It is still pretty intense but not nearly as intense as the P90X. It is a good starting point.

Also, with a good work out comes a need to clean up the fridge so to speak and eat better. I can not confess to being a saint. Sometimes I stumble and fall and it is mostly on game night, but I am making an honest effort. I am shooting for 1800 Calories a day and it is more difficult than I thought. To help, I have cut soda almost completely out of my diet. In addition I have also stopped drinking any form of alcohol. The soda is the hardest one to deal with honestly even the diet stuff is pretty terrible for you. Monica is a peach when it comes to all this and she helps me get through each day.

My motivation comes from the fact that my ankles are in constant pain, mostly from standing on them all day and running around at work. I had come to realize that I was on the fast track to getting right back to where I was just after college, pushing nearly 300lbs. It wasn't healthy and with all the positive things happening in my life why not get this stuff going in the right direction too.

After it is all said and done and I complete the first 90 days I was thinking maybe I would try to get other people to come over and try it out. I have an extra TV and a back yard to boot. Just a crazy idea.

Speaking of work though, I said that I would take a moment and talk about another big change in my life. It is no secret to most people but for those of you who are out of the loop, I am going back to nursing school. I start May 24 and hop right back into the program. I will hopefully be a nurse by January of next year with my LPN and move on to my RN by January of 2012 (assuming that Armageddon doesn't come first).

All joking aside about Armageddon, is it just me or have there been an awful lot of crazy natural disasters happening lately: a volcano in Iceland, a whole hell of a lot of earthquakes and then a tornadoes in the southern United States. Top that off with the huge oil spill in the Golf of Mexico (I know it isn't a natural disaster but still it will have a pretty big impact on the ecosystem of the oceans) and I suddenly feel an urge to go back to church and say a prayer or two.

Finally, as I mention church I suppose I should mention the most important event of my life to this date that is quickly approaching. My wedding. Monica and I will be wed on July 3 of this year. It is hard to believe that we have been together this long let alone engaged. Time seems to fly when you are having fun though. For those of you who have yet to give me an address please let me know if you want an invite. It will be Renn themed and pretty much a dream wedding for myself. Hopefully for Monica too.

I am pretty stoked about it. I am not so much nervous as I am ready to get on with the thing and then the stress of it all can just wash away. Monica's mom has been more than awesome with all her help and contributions. I am certain there is no way I could ever thank her enough or pay her back for all the work she has done. There are still a few minor things to wrap up and I should probably get on those but instead I am here writing this long missive. Oh well, there is still time.

There have been two major frustrations with the wedding thus far and as far things go that isn't too bad. The first and perhaps most irritating was some giant hooker-bait who failed epically. I had contracted this person/friend to make the costumes for the groom's side. She was willing and as a bonus she was going to do the work for dirt cheap. Being Renn themed one can't just go to a tux shop or even a costume shop usually. Well she jerked me around for about six months and then just up and moved to Florida. What a bitch. Again a million thanks to Monica's mom for bailing me out on that one.

The second involves a person in the wedding party who has been a real C**T lately. I won't go into great details but this person has just gone from decent to terrible in the span of a few months. Their life style and choices have put them on our respective shit list. Drastic changes in personality, bitterness, and the introduction of drugs into ones life will do that though. If we could have it our way and didn't have most of the stuff prepared, I think we would just kick them out. As it stands, after the wedding I don't think we will associate with them any longer.

Nevertheless, things will proceed and we will go forward. Life will be just peachy and our wedding will be awesome.

Love, Luck, Lipstick and Lollipops,

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