There is a hole in my heart and frankly there is nothing I can do to fill it. I have tried. It is near impossible. It came with the breaking. I gave away a part of it to someone long ago and she has it to this day. This hole that I can not fill. I have tried. I tried and the closet chance I had was found on the other side of the world. It is strange but now that chance is gone too. The hole is bigger because I gave another chunk of my heart there in hopes of a return too. I had one, I am pretty sure. Perhaps it was even a bigger one than before. I fucked that up.
There are seconds where I feel a flickering in there. Like a spark, a chance for a fire to be caught up in the wind. It is in that first moment where in I meet someone and they are new and exciting. It is in that first few moments that I feel the hole start to fill. But it is like a mud-slide. Sure the hole is filled but frankly it leaves just a bigger hole.
I am weak in many respects. In my loneliness, I make poor decisions. It happened once. I found myself trying desperately trying to find an answer to the questions I had. The questions that always plague me. In a moment of regret big decisions were made and a life was lost. It will plague me for some time. Even if the two who were responsible for creating it were not meant to be, what of the chance that it deserved? I guess I will never know. I guess I will regret forever the part I played in that.
I used to be better at these things. I used to be way better at this. When I wrote something there was more to it. There was an air of flair. Right now I am just sad and getting further and further into this hole.
Right now, I have figured out that I am better off along. No one gets that. People keep trying to get close. I want to push them away but they just don't get the subtly of my words and it often results in a "Get the fuck away." sort of sentiment. That leads to even greater hurt feelings and me coming off as an even greater ass.
Please do not misunderstand, I am not saying that I don't like or want company, or that I am opposed to any sort of physical attention or affection, I just don't feel like being in a relationship. I don't want to be in one without love. That is where things get tricky. You see, I don't think people get that. Maybe they do. Who am I to say. I had love, I had it once, and I won't settle until I find it again.
Right now I find myself in a predicament. One that is hard to deal with because I am not sure how to deal with it. I know of someone who is very much interested in me. That someone has recently out of a relationship with a friend. He is a decent guy from what I gather. I can't say what happened. I don't know the whole story. I do know this, there has been a multitude of conversations. In these conversations I have voiced my desire to be friends. I have talked about how I am really rather a slow mover. Yet, the other party just doesn't get it. When I try to push back and slow things down, she just doesn't get it.
Instead, she pushes on and says things that make me wonder if she gets it. It makes me wonder if I am just a rebound or something more. I worry though that if I speak my mind I will cause her some great grief and open up a hole in her heart. It is not going to end well as far as I can tell. She is putting a lot of time in to this. It is bordering on clingy and that also bothers me. Like I said, I like to be alone. I like me time. I try to say this. Again it doesn't come through.
Today was perhaps the worst and it set off some serious warning alarms for me. There was a declaration of relationship status without my confirmation or consent. To be truthful I have failed the lasts couple of days because I thought I was clear. I thought I had time to figure out if there might be time for a flower to grow from barren earth. Time for a garden to grow in the hole in my heart.
It is this sort of push that will drive me away and yet I am not quite at the level that I want to be. Part of me wish I had the callousness of say a good Tucker Max. Part of me wish I could just speak my mind. Part of me wants me to just end this now before it gets too complex. Another part of me keeps true to my word. I promised time. I promised. It is just not going well. Not going to end well.
Why people ask?
Well part of me wonders if I am becoming someone who I don't think I would like. Why? Because I don't have the spine to end this before it goes to a place I don't want or am not ready.
Because I am afraid to take a leap across an ocean. Because I don't think that I am worth one of the two most amazing women I have ever met. I certainly wasn't worth the first. If I were she would not have left with half my heart. As it stands, when I see her I feel a swell and a swoon. When I see her child, I smile. When I am in her presence it is all I can do to not reach out, wrap my arms around her and tell her how I feel. I have once. There was a chance, there was hope. She said things to me that didn't scare me. There were words exchanged that gave me hope, not pause. There was love. There is love.
And still there is another. Half a world away there is another. One who I know loves. One who I am certain has anger in her heart now where there was hope and love. I know I fucked up when I was weak. When this whole situation started. There were plans to travel across the great blue sea and now that is on hold because frankly there is no reason to go. She will move on. They all do.
Here is to being fucked.
Thank you! Fuck you!